Merciful Nayru, Not Another Self Insert!
by Davin Sunrider
Summary: Davin Sunrider, fanfic writer, finds himself unexpectedly pulled into the land of Hyrule, which is under dominion by the Dark Lord Ganondorf. Now Davin must summon all his powers of sarcasm and comedy to survive his tenure as... the Dark Side Comedian.
1. Stop Me If You've Heard This One

**Merciful Nayru, Not Another Self-Insert!**

One

('Stop Me If You've Heard This One')

The sheer incongruity of it was what got him.

A young man, a college student who went by the name of Davin Sunrider in various realms more fiction than fact, stopped rather abruptly and stared at the anachronism.

Davin was fairly ordinary, as college students go. He was taller than most people, so this was what was first noticed about him by most people, and remarked on shortly thereafter. Davin heard the phrase 'Wow, you're tall!' in some form at least twice a day, and while it was starting to become the phrase he loathed most in all the world, he realized there was not much else people could use as an introduction, and so he amused himself by coming up with unconventional responses.

He was on the thin side of medium weight, could not be described except by a stretch of the imagination as muscular, and wore his dark blond hair a little longer than his mother liked, parted in the middle. His clothing was mostly loose-fitting and dark-colored, chosen more for comfort than any sort of fashion, and a battered laptop case containing an equally battered laptop hung at his side from a strap across his chest. His glasses were the sort that darkened when you were outside, turning into sunglasses, and as Davin stared at the utterly out-of-place thing in front of him, they did just that beneath the sun's rays.

Around Davin was a rather ordinary college campus, well laid-out but just confusing enough that every once in a while a freshman stopped Davin to ask him for directions. Since he had been a freshman himself not too long ago, he was usually happy to provide them. Buildings of mostly square angles, covered with mostly tan and brown stone and plaster, spread over the well-tended grounds of the college campus, interconnected by a number of concrete walkways and bridges. A fountain bubbled cheerfully beside an outdoor amphitheater, a little ways away from the building where Davin usually ate his lunch but now did not because it was under renovation. A clock tower rose from the center of the campus, and it had just finished chiming that it was twelve noon.

Davin usually ignored the clock chimes, as the music playing from the headphones of his ever-present MP3 player almost always drowned it out, but today they had caught his attention.

Today the chimes had played a song they had never played before.

Davin recognized the song.

He also recognized the anachronism, which went right along with the chimes.

The thing that had given the college student who called himself Davin Sunrider pause was this: a man.

Davin usually did not pause upon looking at men, as he much preferred looking at women instead. Truthfully, he thought most men were rather not worth looking at, himself included. His appearance made it plain that he spent no more time in front of mirrors than was necessary to keep him from looking foolish or sloppy. He was only partially successful.

But, the anachronism was not just any man. This man was well over seven feet tall, nearing eight, and, as if that were not remarkable enough, he was also dressed in full plate armor of the sort not worn by anyone who wasn't an actor or an enthusiast of some kind in a thousand years. His skin was a dark tan, but his hair was a fiery red, braided into an intricately worked gold headpiece that served as a sort of crown. He looked like the sort of man who ought to be wearing some sort of crown, as he held himself like a king, a king who knows everything around him belongs to him or soon will.

Davin Sunrider recognized this man. This man did not belong on a college campus, standing beneath one of the supporting pillars of the large clock tower. This man did not belong anywhere on Earth, actually, and this was why Davin was staring at him.

The man stared right back at him, as if equally surprised to see Davin.

As the clock above the two men, one young, one a little older, finished chiming, it repeated the song Davin had heard before, though never from the big campus clock. It was the sort of song that sounded very strange on clock chimes, as it was meant to be played on an organ and heard in a place that was most definitely not a college campus in a small desert town.

Davin rested one hand on the laptop case at his side as he took a few steps towards the huge man in plate armor who no one else seemed to notice. The man continued to stare at him with eyes the color of amber, a suspicious look on his features.

Davin could think of only one thing to say to the huge man who did not belong on his college campus underneath the clock tower.

"Wow, you're tall!"

The man in anachronistic plate armor sneered. "Perhaps you are merely short," he replied, his voice extremely deep, with a slight accent that was unfamiliar to Davin.

Davin frowned. "I'm pretty sure that's not it," he said. He shifted his bag, which, since it contained one of his textbooks and his notebook as well as his computer, was slightly heavier than was comfortable. "What are you doing here?" he asked the large man who should have been fictional.

"What are_ you_ doing here?" the man retorted, his suspicious look deepening.

"I'm taking a Sociology class," Davin answered. "It just got over, so I was going to go eat my lunch in the new building. But then I saw something that didn't belong underneath the clock tower."

The huge, supposedly fictional man glared back at Davin, as if suspecting him of some sort of trick. "I've never heard of 'Sociology'," he said, pronouncing the word in an odd way. "What can you do with it?"

"Understand people better," Davin replied, his mouth on autopilot while his mind pleaded to be allowed to go mad. Davin refused to grant such a request, so his mind went off and sulked in a corner of his psyche, leaving him to deal with the situation on his own.

"So this 'Sociology' magic lets you read thoughts?" the dark man inquired, seeming to be very intrigued by such a possibility.

"This ain't Hogwarts," Davin replied flippantly. "No magic courses here."

The supposedly fictional man scowled, and Davin instantly regretted his remark. He made a quick deal with his mind; it could go as mad as it liked once it got him out of this. Reluctantly, it agreed, and allowed him access to the higher functions of his brain again.

His first impulse was to run like hell.

His second impulse also involved hell: he wanted to know what the hell the Dark Lord Ganondorf, of 'Legend of Zelda' fame, was doing standing under the clock tower at a few minutes after noon on a cool September day in Nevada, the United States of America, Earth, The Real World.

He asked Ganondorf just that.

Ganondorf quirked an eyebrow and asked Davin what he thought he was doing standing next to the fountain in the central square of Castle Town, Hyrule, the World Made by the Golden Goddesses. He did not swear, which was odd, since, of the two of them, he was the one who at first glance would seem more likely to employ a colorful expression not to be used in polite company.

Davin said another word that Ganondorf would appear to be more likely to use, an impolite colloquialism for bovine feces.

Ganondorf said a word which Davin thought was an answering profanity, but was in fact a word of command. Davin abruptly flew forward and landed in a heap at Ganondorf's feet, his glasses sailing off to skitter across the stone.

He grabbed for them and managed to pick them up before an enormous foot shod in metal stepped on them, and he put the glasses back on, bringing the world back into focus.

Davin noticed he was not on his college campus anymore. Instead, he was sprawled on the smooth cobblestones of a wide city square, surrounded by buildings made of dark gray stone and wood. Next to him was a wide, bubbling fountain not unlike the one on campus, except this one had a stone monument in the center wrought in the shape of the crest of the Royal Family of Hyrule.

Davin Sunrider's first thought upon realizing this was that he had perhaps accepted rather than declined the suspicious cigarette the kid who sat behind him had offered in the parking lot before their shared class, the one who perpetually smelled of smoke caused by making cigarettes out of a plant that was not legal to grow in Nevada or anywhere else in the United States of America without a special permit.

That didn't seem like him, as he'd both heard horror stories and witnessed a few incidents himself about what illegally grown and even more illegally imbibed plants could to do one's brain, influencing one's behavior. But, what other explanation was there?

"Well, what do you have to say for yourself, boy?" Ganondorf's deep, rumbling voice asked, tinged ever so slightly with amusement. Apparently, Dark Lords found it amusing to knock skinny college students on their asses with telekinetic force.

Davin slowly got to his feet, painfully aware of the fact that even at six-foot-five, the top of his head did not quite come up to Ganondorf's chin. For the first time since he had stopped growing three summers ago, the young man who called himself Davin Sunrider felt very short.

He paused, not quite sure what to do. Should he attempt to answer Ganondorf's question, or should he attempt to wake up?

"Well, up till about ten seconds ago, I was having a pretty nice day," Davin said slowly. "I had just finished my Sociology class and was on my way to the new building to eat lunch when you showed up."

Ganondorf crossed his arms over his chest. His arm was thicker around than Davin's leg, the young man noticed with no small amount of nervousness. He wondered just how much effort the Dark Lord would have to exert to snap his neck, which the taller man seemed to be considering as an acceptable reply to Davin's statement.

Pitifully little, Davin decided. There was not much point in running; one of Ganondorf's steps was probably equal to three of Davin's, and he was armed with magic besides.

"The currents of magic around this place are strangely disturbed today," the enormous Dark Lord rumbled thoughtfully. "I had come to investigate, supposing that boy had finally decided to challenge me. You are certainly not him."

Davin was more than a little insulted at both the Dark Lord's tone and expression. Ganondorf made it plain that he did not think much of Davin. Davin had to agree that a man like Ganondorf had a right to think little of him, though that didn't stop him from being insulted.

Very cautiously, Davin edged backwards, hoping to either step back into the world where he belonged or somehow shake himself loose from this very bizarre dream or trip or whatever was going on.

He succeeded only in falling on his ass again. His ass, predictably, did not appreciate this, and using the miracles of the human body's nervous system, apprised him of its discomfort.

Davin froze, trying to ignore the pain in his legs and backside from the sharp impact, and cautiously watched the Dark Lord.

Ganondorf watched Davin.

Davin watched Ganondorf.

Ganondorf laughed.

Davin did not.

The Dark Lord used another tug of magic to haul Davin to his feet, still chuckling to himself. "You are just interesting enough to keep alive, boy," he said. "Din knows I don't have anything else to do until the Hero shows up."

Davin gave Ganondorf a cautiously questioning look.

"I've conquered Hyrule," Ganondorf explained, though Davin had already guessed this part. "This kingdom now belongs to me, and all that remains is to dispose of its sadly misguided and under-equipped 'protector' and the princess he serves, who has managed to escape my custody."

Davin had guessed this part, as well. He wondered which of the games this was, or if it was a part of Hyrule's history not covered by a game.

Then he wondered why he jumped right to that conclusion instead of sticking to the 'drug-trip' theory, which was, he thought, a more likely explanation of what was currently happening to him. Damn that boy for offering him an 'herbal cigarette'! Double damn Davin himself for accepting, though he was quite sure he hadn't. He had always politely but firmly refused such offers in the past.

"Tell me an amusing story from your homeland, boy," Ganondorf said suddenly. It was clearly not a request, but a command. Everything Ganondorf said seemed to have this quality.

Davin's brain raced, and he settled upon a joke Ganondorf would perhaps like. As he told it, he modified the joke to what he knew of his surroundings and his captor's tastes. He pulled the strap of his bag over his head and carefully leaned the laptop case against the fountain before straightening.

"Stop me if you've heard this one," Davin said, grinning nervously. Ganondorf nodded solemnly in reply.

"Er, two Hylians are hunting in the woods," Davin began, shifting his feet nervously. "And suddenly one of them collapses, clutching his stomach."

Ganondorf listened with interest, so Davin continued.

"His companion races to the nearest Gossip Stone, and he shouts into it, 'Help, help, my buddy's fallen down and I don't know what's wrong with him! He was clutching his stomach and groaning for a while, but now he isn't moving. I think he's dead!' The Gossip Stone replies, 'Okay, calm down, I'll walk you through this. First thing, you'd better make sure he's really dead.'"

Ganondorf showed no sign of having heard this one before. Davin continued.

"The woman on the other end of the Gossip Stone listens carefully. She hears a sword being drawn, then a yell of effort and a wet thump. The first Hylian comes back to the stone and says, 'Okay, now what?'"

Ganondorf's face remained expressionless for a moment, and Davin feared for his life. Then, to his immense relief, the Dark Lord began to laugh. Ganondorf had a great booming laugh, just the sort one would expect a Dark Lord who made a habit of conquering neighboring kingdoms and kidnapping princesses to have.

He slapped Davin on the back, knocking the young man into the low wall around the fountain. Davin grabbed onto the wall to keep from falling down, pushing his glasses back into place with his other hand.

"I like it!" Ganondorf declared. "What's your name, boy?"

"Davin Sunrider," the young man replied, though that was not his real name. It fit the situation well enough, though, considering.

"Well, Sunrider, if you have more stories like that one, I shall have to keep you around. You will keep me entertained until the Hero's arrival." Ganondorf leaned down, his eyebrows raising in a disturbingly eager expression. "Say, do you have any about him?"

"Er, sure, I guess," Davin replied, shifting his feet again. "Give me a few minutes."

Ganondorf slapped him on the back again, sending Davin tumbling into the fountain. Fortunately, he managed to keep his laptop case from getting wet, but was rather more unsuccessful with the rest of him. Ganondorf laughed even harder at this.

With one hand, the Dark Lord grabbed Davin by the collar of his jacket and easily plucked the soaked storyteller from the fountain. He set him back on the cobblestones of Castle Town's central square, still chuckling, and the sound was just as disturbing as before.

"If you make me laugh this hard every day, Sunrider," Ganondorf said, absently gesturing at Davin with one hand, "you will be greatly rewarded."

Davin, now as perfectly dry as if he had not fallen in the fountain, picked up his laptop case. He doubted Hyrule Castle had WiFi. He further doubted it had any suitable outlets, either. No looking up jokes on the 'net, then.

He shrugged; he could just make them up, he supposed. He only hoped Link didn't give him too bad of a thrashing when he finally got here. Would a Hero go after a Dark Lord's court comedian? He didn't think so, but then again, there had never been a court comedian in any of the games. This era's Link may or may not have a sense of humor, Davin supposed. It all depended on what sort of player he was.

Ganondorf began marching back in the direction of the castle, and Davin hastily followed, almost having to jog to keep up. As the two of them moved down the long stone-paved avenue leading to the massive wooden doors, Davin noticed that all of the Dark Lord's guards were women, and exceptionally beautiful women at that. One of them smiled at him as he passed, and he smiled back.

Perhaps this wouldn't be so bad after all.

------------------

* * *

Author's Note: This story will be familiar to those who also follow me on DeviantArt, as that site was where I first posted this. On a more note-like note, this is, obviously, a parody of self-insert stories, as well as a number of other writing tropes. It will be fairly short, probably not more than five or six chapters of about this length. The story will be updated approximately whenever I feel like it, which will likely be fairly often, as I have found myself in the mood to write humor lately. Thanks for reading!


	2. That's, Er, Not How It Works

Two

('That's, Er, Not How It Works')

The young man who called himself Davin Sunrider was very good at making people laugh. For most of his life, his wits had been quick, and he could find a way to turn almost any situation into a smart remark. Some of them he did not say aloud, but just kept to himself to laugh at later. Some he did say aloud, so that the other people around him could laugh right then. Sometimes they laughed, and sometimes they didn't; such was the bane of the comedian.

But his best line worked every time. His best line was so hilarious to women that it had worked on every single woman he had ever said it to in his entire life. It never failed to produce wild, uncontrollable laughter, ever.

Davin Sunrider's best line was this:

"Hey, would you like to go out sometime?"

The Gerudo warrior he was speaking to had the undesired but predictable reaction. Leaning on her spear, she continued to laugh until Davin scowled at her and walked away, muttering irritably to himself.

"All you had to say was 'no'," he grumbled, straightening his jerkin.

Davin Sunrider, formerly of The Real World, was currently in the employ of the Dark Lord Ganondorf as the official Court Comedian. Through an odd series of circumstances, he'd found himself in the supposedly fictional land of Hyrule, and so far he'd found no way to leave it and return to his former life.

Up until five minutes ago, he'd thought Hyrule wasn't that bad, and was sort of enjoying his time here in a land so very different from his own. But, some things didn't change no matter what world you were in.

At least the clothes were cool here.

For his time in Hyrule, Davin had chosen clothes as usual in dark colors and loose fit. He wore loose black trousers tucked into mid-calf length leather boots of the same color, a dark blue long-sleeved tunic, and a black jerkin over this, cinched with a black leather belt, on which hung a sword. He did know how to use it, having wasted quite a bit of time in learning how to wield archaic weapons back in The Real World. That time turned out not to have been wasted here, since Ganondorf often surprised him by jumping out from behind corners and attacking him.

Ganondorf thought this was hilarious.

Davin did not.

The former college student made his way through the halls of the castle, drumming his fingers against the hilt of his sword as he walked, and warily watched for hulking shapes snickering as they hid around corners.

When he reached the rooms he had been given, Davin was unsurprised to see Ganondorf inside, playing with his MP3 player. Ganondorf never knocked, just barged right in whenever he felt like it, and if he wanted to hear a joke, Davin had darn well better stop sleeping and tell him one.

Ganondorf had quickly figured out how to work the music player, and had been entertaining himself by listening to Real World music for the last few days. He was most fond of the Hard Rock and Metal albums, though Davin thought this sort of made sense. Ganondorf seemed like a Metal guy.

Davin heard the faint music coming from the earbud-style headphones Ganondorf had on, playing the music much too loud, and recognized the song, as he listened to it often.

The Dark Lord turned at Davin's entrance and grinned broadly, holding up the small music player within one huge hand. "I quite enjoy the songs of these 'Nine Inch Nails' minstrels whose souls you have captured within this device," he said. "Tell me, how did you conjure this magic?"

"Er, that's not really how it works," Davin said, somewhat nervously. He barely knew how the device functioned himself, and if Ganondorf wanted a detailed explanation, he wasn't sure he could give one.

Ganondorf looked down at the MP3 player, frowned at it, and then suddenly smiled, a truly terrible thing to behold.

"I fixed it," he said, and, taking out the headphones, handed the MP3 player to Davin.

Davin looked down at the player as he took it back. "Fixed it how?" he said suspiciously.

Ganondorf had 'fixed' his laptop a few days before by smashing it against a wall when it failed to perform the task he had been expecting. Granted, he had immediately done something with magic and restored it, but it was acting even funnier than usual now. And for Davin's computer, that was saying something.

"The enchantment that bestows it with life," Ganondorf replied. "It had almost exhausted itself, so I altered the spell so that it would refresh itself automatically."

"Huh?" Explanations of magic were just as mystifying to Davin as explanations of electronics were to the Dark Lord.

"This small green bar in the corner here," Ganondorf explained. "It turns slowly to white as the enchantment is exhausted. I have altered your soul-capturing device so that it will draw energy from the world around. Now it will not threaten me with the curse of 'Low Battery' and cease to obey."

Davin's expression at this could best be described as 'more than a little freaked out'.

"I have also done this to your computer device," Ganondorf said. "The wizards in your realm structure their spells poorly."

Davin sighed. "Yeah, they kinda do," he agreed, realizing the futility of explanation.

Ganondorf slapped him on the back hard enough to crack a rib or two, which he occasionally had a few times in the past. "Come, Sunrider, tell me another of your humorous stories."

Davin idly tapped the pommel of his sword as he searched his brain for another joke to tell. He had told quite a lot of them, and while Ganondorf had a few favorites, he always demanded new ones.

Davin's last had not gone over well:

"Hey, what time is it when a Goron sits on your sundial?"

"I've heard that one."

"Right, okay. I suppose you have reason to be a little annoyed. Could you please reattach my arm there? I may need it again."

Now, Davin dove to the depths of his comedic reservoir and reluctantly dredged up a joke his father had told him.

"Okay, I got one. The King of Hyrule was walking through the forest one day, taking another break from running his country to slack off."

Ganondorf snickered at this, the reason why Davin had included that detail.

"He had a fine time, wandering along the forest path, and enjoyed the scenery very much. He watched the cheerful forest animals scampering between the trees, and continued on through the path, putting off getting back to work.

"After an hour or so, the King came upon a giant, a huge but friendly fellow. The King asked if he could ride on the giant's shoulder, and the giant genially agreed. He grabbed the King by the back of his royal robe, picked him up, and deposited him on his huge shoulder.

"The King of Hyrule had a fine time riding on the giant's shoulder, and further put off getting back to work. The giant stomped merrily through the forest, squishing cheerful forest creatures and knocking over trees. The King was a bit concerned about this, but could do nothing to stop the giant."

"Ha!" said Ganondorf. "Just like the real one. Go on."

Davin flicked a nervous glance at the enormous Dark Lord, knowing what he'd probably done to the old King upon conquering the kingdom.

"Ah, anyway," he went on, "the King finally decided he'd had enough, and he wanted down. He yelled at the giant to let him down, but the giant was deaf in that ear, and was having too much fun squishing cheerful forest creatures besides.

"He ignored the King, and continued on his way. Desperate, the King finally spied a peasant he knew named Dennis and called down to him, 'Ho there, Dennis! How do you get down from a giant?'

" 'You great dummy of a King!' Dennis responded, 'You don't get down from giants, you get down from geese!' "

Davin waited nervously for a moment as Ganondorf studied him in inscrutable silence. The Dark Lord suddenly seemed even taller than usual as he slowly crossed his arms over his chest, frowning thoughtfully.

Finally, so suddenly it made Davin flinch, Ganondorf let out a great booming laugh. "Ha! Goose down!" he said between chuckles. "An excellent play on words!" He slapped Davin's shoulder, and Davin stumbled into the wall. "Most clever, Sunrider."

Davin had always thought the punchline of that joke to be an atrocious pun, but if it made Ganondorf laugh...

He was further glad that he'd been transported to the English-speaking Hyrule, where puns like that actually worked. If he had ended up in the Japanese version, he would have been in serious trouble.

Ganondorf walked out of Davin's rooms, and Davin hurried to catch up to him, knowing the Dark Lord wanted him to come along.

"Say, Sunrider," Ganondorf said as they walked along the wide stone halls of the castle. "Perhaps you can help me with something."

"Oh?" Davin asked. Ganondorf gave him a funny look, so he hastily added, "I mean, how can I help you, Dread Lord?"

Ganondorf pondered this. "Dread Lord. I like that. You may continue to call me that in the future."

"Sure thing, dude," Davin replied, realizing only too late the flippancy of his statement. His mind was having a bit of revenge on him for not being allowed to go mad, it seemed.

"It's ah, a term of... comradeship... in my country," Davin said hastily, looking nervously up at Ganondorf.

The Dark Lord nodded solemnly. "Very well, dude," he replied gravely.

Davin nearly had an aneurysm as he tried to keep from laughing.

"I have recently recaptured Princess Zelda," Ganondorf went on. "I have noticed that she seems rather despondent at this, so I thought perhaps you could go cheer her up."

Davin thought about this. He knew one line that was guaranteed to make her laugh. "Um, sure," he said. "What do you want me to do?"

Ganondorf gestured at the spiral staircase leading up to the top of one of the castle's many towers. "Tell her one of your joking stories. And while you are there, please reassure Her Highness that I do not intend to kill her."

"You got it," said Davin.

"Thanks, Sunrider dude," said Ganondorf.

Davin nearly had another aneurysm.

* * *

Sitting in her chair next to the window of the tower in which Ganondorf had imprisoned her, Princess Zelda looked down over the capital of her captured kingdom, wondering darkly what plans Ganondorf had for it.

The door opened, and Zelda looked back, expecting the Dark Lord come to taunt her again about her capture, or one of his horrible minions sent to torment her.

The minion, however, was decidedly unminionlike; it was a tall, ordinary-looking human man wearing glasses and dark-colored clothing. He did not have any hint of malevolence about him, which was surprising, considering his employer. In fact, he almost seemed sort of nice, in an odd way.

"Er, want to hear a joke?" the young man said somewhat nervously.

"I would not care for levity now," Zelda replied sadly. "My kingdom is conquered, and my people suffer under a dark tyrant."

"Well," said the young man, dragging over the other chair, "I agree that Ganondorf can be kind of grouchy sometimes, but he's really not that bad if you just try not to make him mad."

"He slaughtered my entire royal guard and killed my father when he invaded," Zelda said bluntly.

"Okay, so he's kind of a jerk," said the young man. "But there's really nothing either one of us can do, now is there?"

Zelda shrugged in acceptance. "No," she agreed sadly, "there isn't. We can only hope in the Hero."

The young man gave her a frank look. "Ganondorf was watching him in his scrying bowl the other day. This Link ain't too bright, Your Highness. I saw that kid eat some purple Chu jelly. Raw." He held up two fingers. "Twice. The only reason he didn't do it three times was 'cause he couldn't catch another one."

Zelda sighed again. The poor boy _had_ seemed a little dim. She looked up at the young man, sensing through the powers of the Triforce of Wisdom that he was trying to think of something uplifting to say.

Finally, he paused for a moment, and the words _'Ah, what the hell? Worth a try,'_ drifted through his surface thoughts.

"Hey," he said, "do you want to go out sometime?"

Puzzling her, Princess Zelda felt an overwhelmingly powerful urge to laugh at this, and a chuckle escaped her control.

The young man scowled almost reflexively, then smiled half-heartedly. "There you go," he said with forced cheer. "Feel better?"

She did, somewhat. She also felt like laughing at the young man some more, so she did. She laughed loud and long, harder than she'd ever laughed at anything in her whole life. The young man just got redder and redder, and for some reason this sent Zelda into a whole new paroxysm of mirth.

"Thank you," she finally gasped, struggling mightily to stop laughing. "I needed that."

"No problem," the young man mumbled. He got up to leave.

"Wait, what is your name?" she asked him.

"Davin Sunrider," he mumbled, almost too indistinct to hear. "I'm Ganondorf's Court Comedian."

"Thank you for helping me to cheer up, Master Comedian," Zelda said.

Davin sighed heavily. "Just doing my job."

* * *

Author's Note: Davin the Dark Side Comedian will return in 'Attack of The Fangirl', coming soon. Thanks for reading!


	3. Attack of The Fangirl

Three

('Attack of The Fangirl')

Davin Sunrider, Dark Side Comedian, had finally decided he did not like living in Hyrule. Truthfully, he thought, he wouldn't have minded it so much if he was living with Gorons or Zora or even Kokiri, but he was currently residing in Hyrule Castle, which was occupied by the Dark Lord Ganondorf.

Ganondorf, being a Dark Lord, was predictably not the best employer. For one, his work insurance plan was awful, he had _no_ retirement packages, and he also had the annoying habit of jumping out and scaring Davin whenever possible. Davin thought this was odd behavior for a grown man who also happened to be busy ruling a country he'd just finished conquering, but he couldn't really summon the courage to bring it up. Ganondorf was _really_ tall.

Walking through the corridors of Hyrule Castle, past suits of armor and tapestries, Davin drummed the fingers of his left hand against the sword Ganondorf had given him shortly after his arrival here, humming a tune to himself. He did have one bright spot in his days here; Ganondorf usually told him to go keep the captive Princess Zelda company for a few hours a day and tell her jokes. The Dark Lord seemed to feel a bit sorry for the princess, which Davin thought somewhat odd, considering the rest of the King of Evil's, well... evil, personality, but again, he wasn't going to bring it up.

Zelda actually liked Davin's jokes, for one, and secondly, most importantly, she had not once, not even _one time_ greeted him by leaping from behind the door of her chamber and waving a freaking huge sword at him. That in itself made Davin prefer her company to her captor's.

"YAAAAAAHHHHH!"

"Holy freaking crap, what the hell is... Oh, it's you."

Ganondorf slowly lowered his freaking huge sword and regarded Davin with an amused look, chuckling to himself in his deep voice. "Got you again!"

Davin held a hand over his wildly beating heart. "Yeah... yeah, you got me. Good job, uh, sir." He looked closer at his employer. "Are you wearing my glasses?"

Ganondorf nodded. "The process by which they turn dark under sunlight intrigues me. I am studying them until I can replicate it for myself."

He looked very strange wearing Davin's rectangular glasses, since they weren't quite big enough for his head. And plus, they didn't really go with his armor. And on top of that, Davin was pretty sure they weren't his prescription, either; he was going to get a headache if he kept them on too long.

Wait, what did he care? Ganondorf was a jerk; let him get a headache.

Davin frowned. "So that's where they went. I thought I'd put them down someplace different than usual last night."

Ganondorf plucked the glasses from his head and tossed them at Davin. "I have completed my studies, by the way. I was waiting here to return them to you."

"And scare the hell out of me."

"That too. You are quite amusing when you're frightened."

Davin scowled as he fumbled with his glasses, making sure nothing was broken. "So happy I can be of service." He flicked a glance up at the Dark Lord, who had started to frown. "Er, Dread Lord."

Ganondorf leaned his freaking huge sword against the wall and adjusted one of the plates on his armor. "Tell me another joking story about the King of Hyrule," he commanded.

Davin put his glasses back on, satisfied they hadn't been adversely affected, and thought for a moment about what joke he could convert. He decided on another of his father's jokes, since Ganondorf seemed to like those. Davin secretly did, too, but he pretended not to.

"The King of Hyrule was taking another break from his kingly duties, and was walking through the forest, whistling to himself. He spied a pond in the midst of the forest, and decided to go over and look at it for a minute, since he saw the ripples caused by fish, and thought he might try and catch one."

Ganondorf nodded. "I'm told the King used to spend more time fishing than he did doing anything useful."

Davin also nodded, not sure this was true, but continued. "As he was leaning over the pond to look, the King's wallet fell out of his coat and into the water. He reached after it to grab it, but a fish seized the wallet in his mouth and furiously swam off with it! The King despaired, but even as he watched, another, larger fish ate the first fish and swam back toward him. The fish paused beneath the King, looking up at him for a moment with big fish eyes."

A hint of a smile had quirked one corner of the Dark Lord's mouth. Encouraged, Davin put even more overdramatic emphasis on the rest of the joke.

"Finally, the fish opened its mouth and spat the wallet out of the water, where it hit the King right in the face!" Ganondorf laughed at this, but Davin wasn't done. "The King picked up his dripping wallet and asked a passing peasant, who the pond happened to belong to, 'What sort of fish are these?' The peasant, whose name was Dennis, replied, 'They're carp, m'lord.' "

Davin paused for emphasis, building up the comedic tension.

"The King suddenly smiled and said, 'Hey, carp-to-carp walleting!' "

Ganondorf frowned at him for a moment as he pondered the punchline. "Carp," he said slowly, as if somewhat confused. He looked down at the floor. Finally, he laughed his loud, disturbing Dark Lord laugh. "I get it!" he said between chuckles. He scuffed the carpet on the floor with one huge boot. "Wall-to-wall carpeting! Another excellent play on words, Sunrider!"

Davin had been somewhat nervous there for a moment; that one was kind of hard to get. Plus, it was, if possible, an even more atrocious pun than the last one he'd told the Dark Lord.

He smiled nervously. "I'm, uh, glad you liked it. Sir."

Ganondorf loomed over him. Not really on purpose; Ganondorf tended to loom all the time, since he was so massively tall and broad-shouldered. The somewhat evil grin he perpetually wore also helped with the looming; the Dark Lord seemed eternally on the edge of breaking out into sinister laughter and commenting on how foolish his enemies were.

"That fool Hero nearly got himself killed again this morning," Ganondorf said, chuckling sinisterly. "I'm not sure what he was supposed to be doing, but he kept jumping off of a cliff and catching himself at the last second. He did that for two entire hours!"

Davin's brows drew together in puzzlement; the version of Link who was supposed to be saving this Hyrule was unfortunately a rather dim young man. He reminded Davin more of Stupid Link from Seldavia's parody stories than anything else, and that worried him. Why couldn't this be 'Twilight Princess' Hyrule? Midna would know what to do.

Then a sudden flash of insight hit Davin like a bolt of lightning, a sensation with which he was not entirely unfamiliar, as that was one of the ways Ganondorf expressed his displeasure at being told a bad joke.

Davin's insight was this: Hyrule was fictional. Therefore, the version of Hyrule in which he had been living for the last several weeks had to be the product of someone's imagination. Since it bore no resemblance to any of the games' storylines, that meant this was a fan-fic. But the question was, whose?

It wasn't his own, that was for sure. He'd be able to deal with a fictional universe formed from his own imagination, but this Hyrule had definitely been thought up by someone else, and he had no idea who.

The young writer shuddered. _Please, oh, please, Merciful Nayru, don't let this be a half-baked yaoi story. PLEASE!_

Ganondorf narrowed his eyes at Davin. "Something disturbs you, Sunrider. What is it?"

Davin was a bit puzzled as to how to put his predicament into words. How did you explain to a fictional character that he was fictional?

He was saved from having to explain by a sudden alarm bell; a Moblin ran puffing into the hall, heading immediately for the Dark Lord.

"Dark Lord dude!" the ugly, pig-like creature squealed. "The Hero is here! He's been seen in the castle courtyard, fighting the sentries!" The Moblin paused and smirked, a truly hideous expression. "Well, he's trying to, anyway."

Ganondorf smirked himself before his face shifted into a more serious expression. "Send all troops to his location!" he barked. "Alert the Darknuts to meet me in the throne room in ten minutes!" He turned and pointed at Davin. "Sunrider dude, go to Zelda's tower and stay there. If the Hero comes up there, contact me immediately!"

Despite the situation, Davin had to stifle a laugh; his use of 'dude' had spread through almost the entire ranks of the Dark Lord's army, until all of Ganon's minions were calling the Dark Lord and each other 'dude' at least once in every conversation.

As he ran up the winding stone stairs of Princess Zelda's tower, Davin let the laughter out, until it bounced off the stone walls, sounding like an entire audience giggling hysterically.

* * *

Princess Zelda heard strange, echoing laughter ascending the stairs of her tower, and grimly stood from her chair. Finally, it was time; Ganondorf had come for her, to make final use of her in his plan, whatever that was.

She wouldn't be going without a fight, though. Zelda planted her feet securely on the stone floor and held her hands together in front of her, charging a magic blast to unleash as soon as the Dark Lord opened the door.

Footsteps approached the door, and it slammed open. Zelda recognized her visitor only too late, after she had already loosed the fateful lightning, and she gasped.

So did Davin; the bolt of magic energy had halted in midair, perhaps a yard away from him. He stared at it; there was something you didn't see every day.

Then, as he moved further into the room, he realized _everything_ was paused; Zelda stood frozen with an expression of horror on her face, not blinking, moving, or even breathing.

"What's going on here?" he wondered aloud.

"You!" an irate female voice snapped, coming from somewhere above him. "You're the one who's been messing up my story!"

Davin froze, looking around for the source of the voice.

"Up here, dimwit!" the voice snapped.

Davin slowly looked up, and then he saw The Fangirl. The Fangirl was, well, a girl, one he had never seen before. She sat in a chair-shaped cloud, floating above the action, and in her lap was a laptop, one which sparkled if you looked at it from the corner of your eye.

Davin frowned; hadn't he once used that description as a joke in a parody of his own?

"This," The Fangirl said, ignoring his puzzlement, "is supposed to be a serious drama in which Ganondorf and Zelda fall in love over the course of his occupation of the castle. You, you interloper you, are screwing it up with all of your stupid jokes!"

Ah, Davin mused silently. A ZelGan story, that's where he was. He could live with that. At least it wasn't a GanLink story. Blargh!

"Well, it's not my fault," Davin said, craning his neck to look up at The Fangirl. "It's not like I _wanted_ to come here. I was just walking through the campus one day, when I saw Ganondorf. I went over to see what was going on-"

"And you got sucked into Hyrule," The Fangirl interrupted irately. "Yes, I know. That was supposed to be _my_ entrance into the story. Didn't you hear me yelling for you to get out of the way?"

Ye Gods! Not only was Davin in someone else's story, he was in a _self-insert!_ How... existential.

"I was supposed to mediate between the two of them and get them together," The Fangirl went on, glaring down at him from her perch atop the floating cloud-chair. "And you ruined it!"

"Hey," said Davin, spreading his hands, "I'd be happy to leave. Just write me out of the story, and I'm gone."

The Fangirl sighed heavily. "It doesn't work that way," she said. "I specifically wrote the trip to Hyrule as one-way, so that the fictional version of me would be able to stay here forever."

"And where is 'here', exactly?" Davin asked. "There's gotta be some way I can get out of here."

"You're in my imagination," The Fangirl said, lowering her cloud-chair until she was nearly level with Davin. "And I think you're stuck here, because my imagination doesn't work on you. I have no idea how to get you out."

_Whoa_, mused Davin existentially._ There's a plot twist._

"Since I'm not fictional," Davin said slowly, "you can't just imagine me out."

"Right," agreed The Fangirl. She held up the laptop. "This isn't an actual laptop; it's the manifestation of my creative will inside my own imagination; I type things in here, and they happen," she gestured at the room around them, "out here. But it doesn't work on you. See?"

She turned so that he could see the screen and typed in, 'The jerk who's ruining my story suddenly disappeared back into wherever he had come from.'

Nothing happened. Not even a flicker or anything; space-time remained stubbornly undisturbed.

"Huh," said Davin. "So, how are we going to fix this?"

The Fangirl shrugged. "If I knew how to get you out of here, I would have done it like three chapters ago."

Davin frowned. "Can't you write in another reality-bending laptop like the one you've got there? Y'know, one that makes things happen for real when you type them in," he added.

"I could..." The Fangirl said thoughtfully, "but what if Ganondorf got ahold of it? I'd have to write it so that anybody could use it, and if he takes it from you, we're all in trouble."

Davin frowned. "I thought Ganondorf was a product of your imagination. How could he do something you don't want him to do?"

The Fangirl gestured irately at the other young writer. "Ever since you showed up, things have been happening that I haven't written. Ganondorf is doing things I never wrote him doing, and so is Zelda. Link, oddly, remains totally under my control."

"Wait, you're making Link an idiot on purpose?" Davin said incredulously.

"Of course," said The Fangirl. "He'd just get in the way of the love story. How else is Zelda supposed to start seeing Ganondorf in a positive light?"

"I don't know," Davin shot back. "Maybe making him... not evil?"

"That goes against his character!" The Fangirl objected.

"Link being an idiot goes against his!" Davin objected right back.

The Fangirl waved one hand dismissively. "Link's personality is mostly dependent on the player or the writer. You're pretty much free to do whatever you want with him."

Davin had to concede that point.

"So," said The Fangirl. "Maybe your non-fictionality is rubbing off on the story; since you're real, you're making the story real just by being here."

Davin tried not to think about that too hard. This was making less sense all the time.

"And that," The Fangirl went on, "is why things are happening by themselves. I have less and less control over the story the longer you're here. Pretty soon, I'll only be able to affect minor stuff."

"So what am I supposed to do?" said Davin.

"Run the story to its end," the Fangirl replied. "Get Ganondorf and Zelda together, so that everybody lives happily ever after. Maybe, once the story ends, you'll go back to the Real World."

"I don't write ZelGan stories!" Davin said, pained. "I don't even read them! What am I supposed to do?"

"Relax, I've done this before," said The Fangirl. "I'll show you what to do. The characters won't be aware of me, since this isn't one of those stupid 'breaking the fourth wall' stories where the characters are aware they're fictional and the author is a part of the story."

Davin was existentially miffed about this; he'd written just such a story once. Or was writing one. Wait, too existential; scratch that last part.

"Okay," said The Fangirl. "I'm going to unpause the story in a minute. Just do what I tell you to do, and we'll both get out of this without screwing up the story too badly."

Davin heaved a deep sigh. _Too late._

* * *

Author's Note: Major thanks to all the readers and reviewers. It's great to see that most of you are having as much fun with this as I am. This is a nice break from the kind of thing I usually write; very stress-relieving. Davin the Dark Side Comedian will return in 'Love? Blecch!', coming soon.


	4. Love? Blecch!

Four

('Love? Blecch!')

Davin Sunrider the Dark Side Comedian was trapped in someone else's story, he had just learned. Not only was it a fan-fic, it was a ZelGan fan-fic, something with which he had little to no experience.

The Fangirl, the author of the fictional universe he was living in, floated next to him on a chair shaped like a cloud, a reality-bending laptop in her lap, through which she was attempting to write the story Davin was intruding upon.

"All right," said The Fangirl, "stand over there. When I unpause the story, tell Zelda you just barely managed to dodge her magic attack. Ready?"

_No,_ Davin thought to himself._ Not now, not ever._

Time began moving again; Zelda's magic blast smashed the door behind Davin into splinters, and the princess finished the gasp she had been making when The Fangirl had paused the story.

"I'm so sorry, Master Comedian!" Zelda exclaimed, rushing over to him. "Are you all right?"

"Uh, yeah, I'm fine," said Davin. "Er, Ganondorf sent me up here to ah, guard you. Link is inside the castle, and Ganon doesn't want him freeing you." He nervously rubbed the back of his neck with one hand. "I'd like to help you escape and all, but I don't think- Ow!"

The Fangirl had kicked him in the shoulder from her cloud-chair. "Don't help her escape, you idiot!" she hissed in his ear. "Zelda is supposed to stay here with Ganondorf!"

"Fine!" Davin growled back at the other young writer. "I'll make sure she doesn't leave."

Zelda showed no signs of having perceived the exchange 'beyond the fourth wall', which was good. Davin had no idea how to explain his bizarre situation to her.

The princess smiled sadly, laying a hand upon his shoulder. "I appreciate your sentiments, anyway, Master Sunrider," she said. "Ganondorf cannot be an easy master, so I understand why you would not want to cross him."

"Yeah, it sucks when tyrants keep you from doing what you want to do," said Davin. The Fangirl kicked him again.

"Please, tell me one of your joking stories," Zelda said, gesturing to the two chairs by the window of her room. "I would appreciate the distraction."

"Uh, okay," said Davin as he sat down. Zelda's sense of humor was much different than Ganondorf's; she likely would not appreciate some of the jokes he had told to the Dark Lord, especially the ones about the King of Hyrule.

Davin sighed. He knew one line guaranteed to make Zelda break out into hysterical laughter, but his ego had been bruised enough already.

"Hey," he said, looking over at her. "How many Moblins does it take to re-light a lantern?"

Zelda was by now well familiar with the way Davin structured his jokes; he could see her starting to smile already as she asked, "I do not know. How many?"

"Two," Davin said. "One to re-light the lantern, and one to kick him over the castle wall and take the credit."

Zelda laughed brightly at this, and Davin felt better; he definitely did feel sorry for the princess, even if she was fictional. She was probably the one person in the entire castle who was actually nice to him.

He was about to tell her another joke when the splintered remains of the door slammed open, further splintering them. Into the room strode...

Well, Davin supposed the person was meant to be Link. He had the hat, though it kept slipping down over his eyes, and he held the Master Sword in one hand. He was rather short, perhaps not even five feet tall, though he was clearly meant to be in his late teens. His face was covered in acne, and his dark blond hair was greasy beneath his cap.

Davin rolled his eyes, looking up at The Fangirl with a _'you've got to be kidding me'_ expression. She glared back, then looked down at her screen. She looked up at Link, standing frozen in the doorway, then back at Davin.

The Fangirl sighed heavily, then tapped the 'backspace' key on her reality-bending laptop several times. She typed a few lines, and suddenly, Link gained eight inches in height, his acne disappeared, and his clothes fit him better.

"Happy?" she said down at Davin.

The Dark Side Comedian nodded once. "Much better," he said. He gestured to the Hero. "Continue."

Time resumed its normal pace. "Princess!" Link exclaimed, striding forward through the broken remnants of the door. "Quickly, come with me! We have to get out of here!"

Zelda immediately jumped to her feet. "Come with us, Davin!" she said, turning to the young man.

Davin eyed The Fangirl suspiciously as she bent over her screen, furiously typing away; this was not going to turn out well, he suspected.

"Sure," he said to Zelda as he got up. "I've been wanting to get out of here for..."

Davin trailed off as, as he had been expecting, Ganondorf kicked what little remained of the abused door out of his way and stomped into the room, crushing the fragments of wood beneath his heavy boots. This particular door's days of facilitating dramatic entrances were definitely over now.

"I thought I'd find you here!" Ganondorf snarled at Link, raising his freaking huge sword.

Link dropped into a defensive stance, moving in front of Zelda as he brought up the Master Sword in response. The Hero narrowed his eyes in concentration, preparing himself for battle.

Davin tugged at Zelda's sleeve. "We should move," he said. "They're going to fight now, and it may get... well, medieval."

The princess followed him over to the tower cell's cold, bare fireplace, where the two of them stood as Link and Ganondorf glared at each other.

"I hope the Hero succeeds," Zelda said to Davin.

"Me, too, but he won't," Davin muttered irritably. "There's no way he'll win this."

Zelda gave him an odd look. "How do you know?"

Davin glared past her at The Fangirl on her cloud. "I have my suspicions."

"Your dark reign is at an end, Ganondorf!" Link declared boldly, brandishing the Master Sword.

"Foolish boy!" Ganondorf sneered. "A puny wastrel such as you could never hope to defeat me!"

Davin stepped out of the fireplace, waving his arms for attention. "Stop!" he shouted at The Fangirl. "Stop it right there!"

She looked over the side of her cloud-chair at him. "What?"

Davin raised a disbelieving eyebrow as he looked up at her. " 'Wastrel'? Really? You're really going to make Ganondorf say 'wastrel'?"

"What's wrong with that?" The Fangirl asked, puzzled.

Davin slapped the palm of his hand against his forehead. He sighed, placing his hands on his hips. "You know what? Never mind. It's your story."

"That's right," said The Fangirl. "And you're intruding on it. So shut up and stay out of the way."

She paused, her fingers hovering over the keyboard, and looked back down at him. "Why?" she asked. "Do you have a better idea?"

Davin's mind whirled. It pleaded to go mad again, but when he presented the counter-argument that he had to be mad anyway to be here, it conceded his point and resumed thinking.

"Make it a comedy," he said suddenly.

"It's not a comedy!" The Fangirl objected. "It's supposed to be-"

Davin waved a hand. "Yeah, yeah, love, blecch, whatever. Listen, you want to get me out of here?"

The Fangirl nodded fervently.

"Then make this a comedy," Davin said. "Comedies are short, or the good ones are, anyway. Throw in an absurd twist or two, wrap the whole thing up with a punchline, and I'm out of your hair. Er, imagination. Whatever."

The Fangirl looked dubious.

Davin sighed again, a short, desperate sound. "Look; we both know the only way I'm getting out of here is if I help guide the story to its end. Either you make this a comedy, in which case I'm out of here in a couple chapters or so, or we can go on with your dramatic love story plan, in which case I'll be here for weeks, slogging back and forth through this castle trying to get these two," he gestured at Ganondorf and Zelda, "to like each other. I am not inclined to do that right now."

The Fangirl paused in thought. "I could just have them suddenly surrender to passion and jump into that bed over there," she said, pointing to Zelda's bed.

Davin slapped his forehead again. "Oh geez, a Porn Without Plot? Really? You're gonna make me watch that?" He gestured to the frozen characters. "Hey, what you do in your own imagination is your business, but not while I'm in it. I don't want to see that."

The world remained frozen for a few moments longer while The Fangirl thought. "Fine," she said sulkily. "Comedy it is."

She typed at her computer for a moment, occasionally glancing up at the frozen characters, and snickered to herself a few times. Davin hoped the jokes were good.

Meanwhile, Davin amused himself by pantomiming a conversation between the paused Dark Lord and Hero.

He stepped over next to Ganondorf, imitating his deep, booming voice. "So, what's the deal with you, kid?"

Davin jumped over next to Link, pitching his voice higher, and, just to be random, gave the Hero an Irish accent. "What do ya mean, 'what's the deal' with me, eh? You've got some sort of problem with me, do ya?"

Ganondorf: "Well, aside from you killing off all my minions and trying to foil my plans, not really."

Link: "What's wrong with me killin' your minions, then? We're not on the same side, now are we?"

Ganondorf: "That's a horrible accent. I mean, not even close to a real Irish person. You racist bastard."

Link: "Oh, callin' me a racist, are ya then? I've half a mind to bash your noggin with a pint of Guinness!"

Ganondorf: "Now, see, that's exactly what I'm talking about. I don't care if you really do have Irish ancestors or not, that's just asinine."

Link: "Tellin' me I have nine asses now, are ya? That's it, boyo; it's bashing time!"

"Stop it!" The Fangirl screamed.

Davin froze in the midst of jumping back into position next to Ganondorf, looking up at her guiltily. "Sorry," he said, edging away from the paused characters.

"_I'm_ writing this, not you," The Fangirl snapped. "I don't care if you're bored, and I don't care if you don't like how the story is going. Sit still, shut up, and wait for me to finish."

"That's not a very nice way to talk to your audience," said Davin.

"You aren't my audience!" The Fangirl exploded. "You weren't going to read this when I posted it, anyway, so you don't get to complain about how I'm doing it."

"Yeah, well, I _am_ here," Davin retorted. "I'm your audience, and also sort of one of your characters, so I have the right to tell you when you do something I don't like!"

"_No,_ you don't," replied The Fangirl.

Davin scoffed. "Geez, who made you God?" he said sarcastically.

"Me," said The Fangirl. "This is my imagination we're in, so I get to do whatever I want in here."

Davin had to reluctantly concede this point, as well. Technically, he was an intruder here, albeit an unwilling one. "Fine," he said impatiently, crossing his arms and tapping his foot on the stone floor. "Make with the funny so's I can get out of here, then."

The Fangirl lifted her chin and looked down her nose at him. "Art cannot be rushed," she said loftily.

Davin was unable to contain his snort of sarcastic laughter.

The Fangirl leaned over the side of her chair and narrowed her eyes at him, turning upon him that uniquely female expression reserved for males who have profoundly irritated them in some way. Davin half expected lightning bolts to leap from her eyes and incinerate him any moment now.

Davin swallowed nervously and licked his lips. "Sorry," he said. "Take your time."

* * *

Author's Note: Thanks to HAL-9001 for the Moblin joke. Thanks also to all the readers and reviewers; it's great to see you all having so much fun with this. Davin the Dark Side Comedian will return in: 'Isn't This Over Yet?', coming soon. Thanks for reading!


	5. Isn't This Over Yet?

Five

('Isn't This Over Yet?')

"This is just too weird," said Davin Sunrider, Dark Side Comedian. "Not only am I in someone else's story, I have to sit here and wait until they finish it. Man, this is..." he paused for a moment, searching for the right word. "It's existential, is what it is."

The Fangirl, author of the story Davin was trapped in, looked up at him from her laptop. "What?" she said, puzzled. "What does 'existential' have to do with it?"

Davin gestured at the frozen scene of fiction around them, a tower room in Hyrule Castle currently occupied by, aside from the two writers, perfectly still versions of Ganondorf, Princess Zelda, and Link the Hero.

"Existential," he said. "Y'know, weird, bizarre, surreal. Reality isn't quite what you thought it was. It's like a sudden shift in how you perceive the world."

The Fangirl frowned. "That's not what 'existential' means."

Davin frowned back. "Yes, it is. 'Existential' means... Well, a different way of looking at existence. Looking at reality from beyond reality."

The Fangirl laughed derisively. "No, it doesn't."

Davin put his hands on his hips and frowned up at the other writer. "All right, Miss Smarty-pants, what _does_ it mean?"

She shifted her cloud-chair so that he could see the screen of her reality-bending laptop. As he watched, she pulled up the dictionary on her word processor and typed in 'existential'.

"Ha!" said The Fangirl, pointing to the definition. She read it aloud: "Existentialism: a philosophical theory emphasizing that man is responsible for his own actions and free to choose his development and destiny."

The Fangirl looked over at him, smirking. "In other words, you're not as smart you think you are." A sudden light sparked in her eyes, and she grinned widely. "You keep using that word!" she quoted triumphantly. "I do not think it means what you think it means!"

Davin groaned and slapped his forehead with the palm of his hand. "Hey!" he said indignantly. "_I_ make the jokes and movie references here."

The Fangirl laughed again. "You're just mad 'cause I proved you've been using a word wrong. Some writer _you_ are."

"Hey!" Davin spluttered. "I haven't mocked _your_ writing abilities."

"Pfft!" scoffed The Fangirl. "You've done nothing _but_ mock my writing since you learned where you were. Now stop your bellyaching and be quiet while I finish this scene."

Davin felt his fists clenching in impotent fury; there's really just nothing worse than being proved wrong. Well, there are a few things, but Davin didn't much care about them right now. Several incoherent sounds of indignation and frustration escaped his clenched teeth, but he said nothing. He was wrong, and that could not be argued, no matter how much he wanted to.

To soothe his again-bruised ego, Davin walked over to where the 'Legend of Zelda' characters stood frozen and amused himself with another pantomimed conversation. He stopped next to Ganondorf, imitating the Dark Lord's deep, gravelly voice. "Hey, Zelda, don't you think Link's Irish accent is just awful?"

Davin stepped over to the frozen princess and said, in a terrible impression of an Australian accent, "It really is, Ganon, mate. His accent has got to be the werst Irish impression I've ever heard."

He jumped over to Link. "There's nothin' wrong with me accent, ya hooligans! This is how they talk back home on the Emerald Isle!"

Ganondorf: "Oh, geez. Now _both_ of you have stupid accents? What is _wrong_ with you people?"

Link: "Hey, boyo, we're not gripin' about _your_ accent, now are we? Tsk, tsk; truly terrible."

Ganondorf: "You're not supposed to pronounce it 'tisk', you racist troglodyte. You're just supposed to click your tongue disapprovingly. Don't you know how to read phonetic pronunciation?" A pause. "And what about my accent? I'm the only one of the three of us that _isn't_ trying to use some stupid accent! I actually do talk like this!"

Link: "Tisk, tisk. Suuure, ya do, Ganon me boy. If ya ask me, I tink_ you're_ the one who's a raycist, making fun of Indian people like that."

Ganondorf: "What? Indian? I do not have an Indian accent; I have a _Gerudo_ accent."

Zelda: "And what's a Gerudo accent supposed to sound loike, then, mate?"

Ganondorf, spluttering with indignation and irritation: "Would you _stop_ with the stupid accents, already? You're being incredibly offensive."

Link: "Oh, offensive is what we're bein', now you're sayin' then?"

Zelda: "Roight. This moight be the werst thing he's done yet, troying to make fun of somebody's accent loike this. You really are a jirk, aren't ya, Ganon?"

Ganondorf: "Stop it! Stop it right now, or I'll take out my freaking huge sword and bash the crap out both of you with it!"

Link: "Oh, hayte crimes is what you're going to do, now, is it? That's just like ya, ya raycist you."

Zelda: "Tisk, tisk. A truly horrible tern of ivints. His accent jist gits werse and werse, don't it?"

Link: "At least he's not tryin' to do a worse accent to make fun of, like-"

"STOP THAT RIGHT NOW!"

Davin slowly, guiltily, looked over at The Fangirl, like a little boy who's just been caught whacking the cat with the vacuum cleaner and has been asked just what in the world he thinks he's doing.

"Stop. Doing. That. Right. Freaking. Now," growled The Fangirl, glaring daggers at him over the screen of her laptop. "You're breaking my concentration."

"So go in a different part of the castle and write, then," said Davin. "I'm bored."

"I don't care!" snapped The Fangirl. "This story isn't about you! You're not the central character; you're just in the way!"

"Hey!" Davin shouted indignantly. "How dare you be so... accurate," he finished lamely. He _was_ just in the way here, wasn't he? Well, it's not like it was _his_ fault. It's not like he came here on purpose.

He said as much to The Fangirl.

"As much what?" she asked, looking back at him oddly.

Davin's mouth hung open in silent surprise as he attempted to process this.

"You look like a trout when you do that," observed The Fangirl.

"Trout?" Davin spluttered in outrage.

"That's right," she replied. "A big, ugly fish. With glasses."

"Fish with glasses?"

A slight, sardonic smile quirked one corner of The Fangirl's mouth. "If you keep repeating everything I say, it makes you sound like an idiot."

"Idiot?" Davin shook his head. "Wait, stop! You... you stop making fun of me!"

The Fangirl mockingly pretended to ponder this. "Mmm... no. Too much fun."

"Fun?"

She laughed. "See, there you go again."

Davin turned bright red as he let out more incoherent sounds of fury. He raised his hand to point a finger at The Fangirl, sorry he couldn't hurl lightning bolts like Emperor Palpatine.

Great! Now he was so mad he was getting his fandoms mixed up!

The Fangirl snickered as she went back to her laptop and resumed typing.

Davin pulled out his MP3 player, selected some nice and angry Heavy Metal to listen to, and went off to sit in the corner and wait for her to finish.

* * *

Author's Note: The opening argument between Davin and The Fangirl was inspired by me finally looking up 'existential' in the dictionary. To quote the immortal words of Inigo Montoya, the word does not mean what I think it means. Thought it meant. Whatever. ;P

I'm a bit short on time right now, otherwise I would reply to all your reviews for last chapter individually. Your reviews are greatly appreciated, though. Thanks for reading!

Davin the Dark Side Comedian will return in: 'For Din's Sake, End It Already!'


	6. For Din's Sake, End It Already!

Six

('For Din's Sake, End It Already!)

"Done!" announced The Fangirl, author of the fictional universe which she and Davin Sunrider, Dark Side Comedian, were currently occupying, along with the frozen characters Ganondorf, Princess Zelda, and Link the Hero.

Davin stood from where he had been slouching against the wall, waiting for the other writer to finish writing the paused scene. He turned off his MP3 player and tucked it into one of the pockets of his jerkin, stretching as he yawned exaggeratedly.

"Finally," he said. "Now let it play, and I'm out of here. What am I supposed to do to finish this thing?"

The Fangirl's triumphant expression deflated a little. "Um, I just finished writing this chapter. I don't have the whole story done yet."

"Oh, for Farore's sake!" Davin said exasperatedly. "What have you been doing for the last two hours?"

"How long does it take _you_ to write a chapter, Glasses Fish?" The Fangirl said defensively.

Davin tried very very hard to ignore the nickname he'd just been given. It was not as bad as some of the others he'd been given in the past by various bullies and other asinine people, but he still didn't like it.

"What are your plans for the story?" Davin asked, idly tapping the hilt of his sword.

"Well," The Fangirl replied, "though I can't make you do anything, I've figured out that I can make my characters react to you. So, when I unpause this, Ganondorf and Link are going to fight. You take Zelda and try to escape, but Ganon is going to trick Link into getting stuck in the dumbwaiter." She pointed to the small alcove in the wall that had appeared about an hour ago while she had been typing.

"Ganondorf will chase after you, and you tell Zelda to take one of the secret passages while you try to distract Ganon. He'll threaten to kill you, but you suggest that you're just trying to get Zelda to not hate him so much by getting her away so you can talk to her about him. If this works, Ganondorf will already be starting to like her, so he'll go for it and let you go if you promise to bring Zelda back in a little while, once she likes him back."

Davin did not outwardly roll his eyes, but he certainly felt the accompanying emotion. This was not at all how he would handle this if he was writing the story. But, he wasn't, so this was what he had to do.

"I thought you were making this a comedy," Davin said. "I haven't heard anything funny yet."

"It's a romantic comedy," The Fangirl replied. "I said Link gets stuck in the dumbwaiter, didn't I?"

Davin was unable to keep himself from rolling his eyes this time. In his opinion, romantic comedies were rarely funny or even romantic. But again, he wasn't the one in control here.

"All right, go," said Davin. "The sooner I get this over with-"

"The sooner you're out of here, and I can go back to writing this story the way I want," The Fangirl interrupted. "Believe me, I want you out of here more than _you_ want to be out of here."

Davin scoffed. "I highly doubt that. Go."

The Fangirl hit a key on her reality-bending laptop, and time started up again.

"You cannot win, Ganon!" Link said defiantly. Davin was almost startled when the young Hero did not speak with an Irish accent, but he quickly got over it as Link went on. "I won't let you use the Triforce for your own dark ends!"

"You may think what you wish, boy," Ganondorf sneered. "There is little you can do to stop me!"

With that, the Hero and the Dark Lord charged at each other and engaged in a heated, furious duel. It had to be admitted, The Fangirl was actually decent at fight choreography; the duel was pretty exciting.

Davin grabbed Princess Zelda's arm and tugged her towards the door. "Come on!" he said urgently. "We can escape while Ganon's distracted!"

"We cannot just leave Link here alone!" Zelda said, aghast.

"He's Link," Davin said, pulling her toward the door again. "He can take care of himself." He couldn't resist a parting shot at The Fangirl. "Or at least, he _should_ be able to hold his own here."

The Fangirl glared at him.

"We can meet up with Link later, Princess," Davin said. "This won't be the last fight."

"How do you know?" Zelda asked, looking back over at the combatants.

Davin scoffed. "This is hardly epic enough to be a final duel," he said. "This is, at best, a confrontation where Ganondorf and Link come away with an appreciation for the other's skills, and swear that next time their duel will be final. I've seen plenty of these, Princess; trust me."

Zelda nodded once. "If you say so, Master Comedian. Let us go, then."

The two of them rushed out of the tower chamber and down the spiraling stone stairs, running as fast as they could away from the fading sounds of the battle above.

A Moblin guard was posted in front of the door at the bottom of the stairway, and it slowly stood up as Davin and Zelda approached. "Hey!" it said, snuffling. "Where are you going with her?"

"Um..." Davin wracked his brain for a suitable excuse. "Hey, what's that?" he said, pointing past the Moblin at the window next to its post.

The Moblin merely glared at him. "Nice try," it said. "Lord Ganondorf told me to watch out for that kind of thing. Stupid guards are worse than useless, he says."

Crap. What, did this Ganondorf read the Evil Overlord List?

"I'm not Princess Zelda," Zelda said suddenly, taking a step closer to the Moblin. "I'm a decoy meant to fool the Hero." She smiled conspiratorially. "Good disguise, huh?"

The Moblin peered at her suspiciously. "Then why are you up in the tower?"

"Davin here," Zelda said, grabbing his sleeve, "is a very powerful wizard. He was using the real Zelda to finish my disguise, so that Link wouldn't be able to tell the difference."

Davin nodded, standing up straighter as he tried to seem imposing and inscrutable. He didn't look anything like a wizard, but the quick-thinking Zelda had come up with a better plan than he had. Well, that wasn't hard, he had to admit.

"Yeah, I mean... Yes!" Davin said quickly, narrowing his eyes at the guard. "Now, get out of my way, you puny wastrel creature you! The Great and Mighty Wizard Sunrider has no time for lesser mortals. You have wasted enough of my time already," he peered at the Moblin's nametag, "Grarff...narg. Get out of the way before I turn you into a toad."

The Moblin let out a squeak of fear and edged out of the way; Ganondorf's own displays of magic were unpleasant enough, without angering some unknown wizard in his employ.

Davin gave Grarffnarg one last glare of deadly intent as he and Zelda passed, then slammed the door behind him.

The Dark Side Comedian and the princess ran down several more flights of stairs within the tower before they stopped at a landing to catch their breath.

Zelda gestured to a tapestry hanging one edge of the landing. "There is a secret passage to the stables here," she said. "Quickly, let us go!"

"You go on ahead," Davin said. "I'll go the long way and meet you there. I'll distract Ganondorf if he comes after us."

The princess inclined her head in acknowledgment. "I thank you, Master Sunrider," she said. "I will not forget your help today, or your kindness during my captivity."

Davin smiled. "Hey, just doing my job. Go on!"

Zelda ducked behind the tapestry and was gone. Davin waited for a moment, making sure the heavy wall hanging stilled back into motionlessness again before he went on, then resumed dashing back down the stairs.

Once out of the tower, Davin sprinted through the wide white halls of Hyrule Castle, headed down for the stables. He didn't much care how The Fangirl's outline went; he was going to make sure Zelda got away from here.

However, someone had other plans.

"YAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!!"

"Holy Flaming Din!" Davin yelped, skidding to a halt as Ganondorf leaped around the corner from a side passage and brandished his freaking huge sword at him.

"Death to traitors!" Ganondorf bellowed, swinging his gigantic weapon in a wide arc meant to separate Davin's head from his shoulders.

Davin dropped, scrabbling to draw his own sword. He had to roll to the side as Ganondorf slammed a huge boot down against the stone floor where Davin's chest had been a moment before.

As he jumped to his feet, feeling pitifully small and weak against the huge, roaring Dark Lord, Davin wondered if perhaps The Fangirl had decided to use less comedic means to remove him from her story. Having Ganondorf kill him was one sure way to make sure he didn't mess up her story anymore.

Davin backed down the corridor, his sword held up in front of him as his only defense. He wouldn't last five seconds in an actual fight with someone like Ganondorf, he knew, but it was better than just standing there waiting for the Dark Lord to crush him like a bug.

He spotted The Fangirl, floating over to the action on her chair-shaped cloud, and he called up to her. "Hey, a little help here? Pause, pause!"

She tapped a key on her reality-bending laptop, then looked back up at him in surprise. "It's not working!" she said frantically. "I can't pause the story anymore!"

"For the love of Nayru!" Davin snapped, leaping to the side to avoid another heavy slash from Ganondorf. "How am I supposed to get out of this one?"

Ganondorf raised his weapon, tensing his legs in preparation to charge. If looks could kill, Davin would have been nothing but a smoking pile of ashes on the floor by now.

"Wait!" Davin shouted to the King of Evil. "Wait a minute, here. Er, sir!"

Ganondorf surged forward. With a ferocious bellow, he slapped Davin's sword out of his hand with one armored gauntlet, then hit Davin across the face with the flat of his blade, knocking the skinny young writer over backwards. His glasses sailed away, to skitter over the stone behind a decorative suit of armor.

When Davin landed, Ganondorf stepped forward and placed the point of his sword under the Dark Side Comedian's chin.

"Give me one good reason not to kill you," the Dark Lord growled.

"Um..." Davin said, frightened half out of his mind. "Ah..."

The Dark Lord pressed the point of his sword harder into Davin's neck, just hard enough to draw blood.

"Aaah! The King of Hyrule was walking through the forest!" Davin shouted, panicked. "When suddenly the giant he had encountered a few days ago grabbed him by the back of his royal robes and put him up on his shoulder again."

Ganondorf said nothing, but the sharp pressure of his sword's point lessened against Davin's throat. His gleaming yellow eyes glared down at the young writer, still full of murderous intent.

"The King felt somewhat afraid," Davin went on, slowly gathering his wits again. Some of them didn't want to come back, but a sharp reminder that wits couldn't survive without a mind to use them made them come reluctantly shuffling back into reach.

"He didn't know why the giant had picked him up again," Davin continued. "All he knew was that he wanted to go back to his castle. But the useless peasant Dennis had given him no clues as to how to get away from giants, so he was forced to just hang on; the giant was far too tall for him to simply jump."

Ganondorf removed the point of his sword from Davin's neck, letting it hang loosely at his side as he gestured for Davin to continue.

"The giant kept going, stomping his merry way through the forest, and the King soon got lost; the giant had taken him far away from anywhere he knew. He shouted for the giant to put him down, but the giant couldn't hear him. He spied a subject in the field below, and asked, 'Where am I?' The subject responded, 'You're on a giant's shoulder!' "

Ganondorf let out a snort of laughter at this, his posture further relaxing.

Encouraged, Davin went on. "The King huffed, 'You must be a wizard; your answer is absolutely correct and totally useless.' The wizard snapped, 'And you must be royalty; you don't know where you are or where you're going, you expect me to be able to fix your problem, and you're still in the same situation as when we met but now it's my fault!' "

Davin waited nervously for a few moments after he finished. Ganondorf's mouth finally quirked into a smile, and he laughed.

"All right, Sunrider," he said, putting away his freaking huge sword. "I'll let you live. For now," he added, his eyes narrowing slightly.

Davin laughed with nervous relief. "Ah-ha, th-thank you, er, Dread Lord."

"Explain yourself," said Ganondorf. "Why did you take Princess Zelda from the tower room?"

"I was, um, concerned for her safety," Davin replied. "I didn't want to see her injured as you and the Hero fought. Hey, uh, how did that go, anyway?"

"I stuffed him into the dumbwaiter," Ganondorf said, smirking. "Some of my soldiers are on the way to remove him and throw him in the dungeon now." He looked around the corridor. "So, where is the princess?"

Davin swallowed. "Um, not here."

Ganondorf gave him an unamused look. "I can see that, Sunrider. Where is she?"

"W-Well, I figured both of you guys would need a little time to settle down," Davin said, making it up as he went along. "Y'know, both of you were probably a little mad at each other after that whole thing back in the tower."

"Why would I care if Zelda is angry with me?" Ganondorf said curiously. "I killed her father and conquered her kingdom; of course she's angry with me. I would frankly be surprised if she was not."

Desperate, Davin fell back on his instructions from The Fangirl. "Um, well, if she's... angry with you... she'll never start to, um, like you."

"Like me?" Ganondorf's expression turned to one of puzzlement. "What are you talking about?"

Davin glanced up at The Fangirl. She shrugged helplessly, as if to say _'don't ask me'_.

"I, ah, well..." Davin wracked his brains for something to say. "You know, you're trying to get Zelda to like you, aren't you?"

"What?"

"Well, that's why you keep sending me up to her tower to tell her jokes, isn't it?" Davin asked. "You're trying to get Zelda to think you're not so bad."

Ganondorf's brows drew together in further puzzlement. "I sent you to Zelda's tower to keep her distracted so she wouldn't try to plan an escape," he said. "Why would I care if she likes me or not?"

"You know," Davin said. "You're trying to..." He inclined his head and waggled his eyebrows suggestively.

Ganondorf frowned at him for a moment before he realized Davin's meaning. He laughed, a short, sharp sarcastic bark. "I have six wives, twelve concubines, and twenty-four children," Ganondorf said. "I'm not really interested in adding a Hylian princess to my harem right now. I'm busy trying to stabilize her country so I can move the rest of my people here."

"Hey!" The Fangirl said indignantly at Ganondorf's back. "I wrote you as not being married or having _any_ children. What's going on here?"

Ganondorf did not react to his author's objection. Instead, he continued looking down at Davin. "Whatever would make you think such a thing?"

_Well, crap!_ thought Davin._ How am I supposed to end the story now?_

---------------------

* * *

Author's Note: Thanks to HAL-9001 for the King of Hyrule joke; you're a real lifesaver, man. ;)

Once again, since I'm currently on a computer in the college library and am _supposed_ to be doing my homework right now, I'm a bit pressed for time. Major thanks to all readers and reviewers for letting me know you liked the story. Thanks also for the jokes; this story probably only has one or two chapters left, but I'll work them in if I find a good place.

Davin the Dark Side Comedian will return in: 'Cliche Storm...OF DOOM!' coming soon.


	7. Cliche Storm OF DOOM!

Seven

('Cliche Storm...OF DOOM!!')

"I demand that you obey me!"

The shout, a tyrannical sort of statement one would expect to be made by a Dark Lord, was not in fact made by a Dark Lord, though one was present.

The Dark Lord was Ganondorf, quite possibly one of the most badass villains of all time. He stood in a hallway of Hyrule Castle, his sword in his hand, his cloak flowing dramatically behind him as he struck a pose of...

Puzzlement.

For, you see, Ganondorf had not demanded the obedience of the skinny young man he had just knocked to the floor, though he was thinking about it. Instead, the huge, broad-shouldered Dark Lord, resplendent in his gold-edged black plate armor, stared down at the skinny young man with a distinct expression of curiosity.

The young man, a writer by the name of Davin Sunrider, had, under prodding by The Fangirl, just suggested to the Dark Lord that he might, perhaps, like to pursue the Princess Zelda as a potential romantic interest. Since Ganondorf, being the sole male member of an entire race of warrior women, had, to put it delicately, more female companionship than he knew what to do with, he had not previously considered adding Zelda to his already considerable harem.

He was thinking about it _now_, however.

What better way to crush the spirit of a conquered kingdom than to parade their royalty in chains before them? Maybe in a nice metal bikini to go with it, perhaps something in gold, with silk.

Hmm. Perhaps Sunrider was on the right track, after all.

However, there was still the strange, annoying voice at his back to deal with. Ganondorf turned his head so that he looked over his shoulder at the young woman floating on a chair-shaped cloud that he had just recently become aware of. She had conversed with Sunrider several times, and Ganondorf had the distinct impression that, not only was she from the same realm as the Dark Lord's Court Comedian, she was evidently under the assumption that Ganondorf could not see or hear her.

Otherwise, she would not have dared shout what she just did at him. Few shouted at Ganondorf, period. Even fewer dared to shout demands.

He stared straight at the young woman with a contemptuous glare, not even bothering to turn fully around to face her. With a flourish of one hand, he dispelled the cloud-chair, dropping the surprised young woman to land heavily on the floor.

"Uh-oh," said Sunrider, still laying on the floor where Ganondorf had knocked him a few moments ago. "I think he knows you're there now."

"Really?" the young woman demanded sarcastically. "You think?"

"What are we going to do now that Ganondorf can see you?" Sunrider said to the girl.

"To begin with," the Dark Lord said dryly, "you could stop talking about him like he is not here."

"Well, crap," said the young woman.

"I know what we can do," said Sunrider, glancing up at Ganondorf. He slowly edged backwards until his hand could take hold of his glasses.

"_RUN!!_"

Both Sunrider and the young woman leaped to their feet and sprinted off down the corridor, moving with the speed of fear.

Ganondorf hefted his sword and followed at an unhurried, confident stride. Nothing escaped him, especially not people he had tracking spells on.

That reminded him; he sent an additional five Darknuts to the stables to ensure that Princess Zelda would not get away.

The good part, Ganondorf thought with a smirk, would be springing the trap on them. Gloating was so much fun.

* * *

Davin Sunrider and The Fangirl ran for their lives down the corridors of Hyrule Castle. Something was definitely wrong, Davin knew, but he didn't have time to stop and think about it.

However, since his brain worked like that anyway, he had the following thought:

_If we're in The Fangirl's imagination, and she's lost control of what's going on in here, does that mean that she's gone insane?_

As they ran, Davin looked over at the other young writer. There was no stereotypical gleam of madness in her eyes, only fear. However, since all writers had to be, to some degree, mad to think up the things they did, it was a definite possibility. The line between insanity and genius was a thin one, indeed.

Davin smirked at his clever thought process. Karma is apparently disapproving of boastfulness, however, for just as soon as he finished his clever thought process, he tripped on a wrinkle in the carpet and crashed headlong into a suit of armor along the wall, sending steel plates flying everywhere with indignant clangs.

"Crap," Davin said aloud. "I think I hurt myself somehow. Everything's gone dark. Am I blind?"

"No," said The Fangirl's voice. "You just have the helmet on backwards."

Davin rapped the steel helmet with his knuckles, producing a metallic clank. "That explains it," he said. "Do you mind helping me get this thing off?"

"Yes," said The Fangirl.

"Why?" Davin asked, confused.

"Because we're surrounded, that's why," she answered. "Ganondorf looks rather grouchy."

"Pfft," scoffed Davin, his unwanted headgear giving the exhalation a strange echo. "When does he not?"

"Mostly when my plans are working exactly as expected," an amused, extremely deep voice answered. "Stand up, please."

Davin attempted to obey, but lost his balance and fell over. His helmet cushioned his fall somewhat, but only because he bounced off of something on the way down.

He heard a stifled feminine giggle. "It is really too bad you can't see yourself right now," The Fangirl said, her voice strained with choked-off laughter.

Davin sighed. The only female reaction he was capable of provoking on any kind of reliable basis was laughter, it seemed. That, and pity. And irritation; he was _really_ good at that, though almost never intentionally.

A hand grabbed Davin's collar and yanked him upright, then plucked off the helmet. Davin found himself gazing into the amused amber eyes of Ganondorf, who held Davin's glasses in his other hand. Several huge armored warriors stood with him, cutting off any hope of another escape.

"Here," the Dark Lord said, handing Davin his glasses. "Now come on; we're going to the throne room."

"Why the throne room?" The Fangirl asked.

Ganondorf gave her a puzzled look. "Where else am I going to explain my evil plan?"

* * *

"Try not to get stuffed in the dumbwaiter this time," Davin was saying to Link as Princess Zelda's enormous armored escort took her into the throne room at the top of the castle. He glanced over at her as she entered, and she offered him a small smile. He was about to smile back when the Hero made his retort.

"Try to think of something more useful to do than tell jokes," Link shot back. "At least I actually tried, instead of running away like a coward."

Davin raised an eyebrow. "Your hat makes you look silly," he said.

"Not as silly as your helmet hair," Link replied, smirking.

Davin frowned, reaching up to touch his hair. Figured. It seemed like he looked like an idiot more than half the time, despite his best efforts. Somebody up there _really_ didn't like him.

"What is your name?" Zelda asked The Fangirl quietly.

The Fangirl looked back at her with something akin to relief, replying, "My name's-"

"Good, you're all here!" Ganondorf interrupted, striding dramatically down the steps of the throne, his cloak billowing impressively behind him.

That was odd; there was no wind in here. What in the world was making his cloak move around so much?

"I've gathered you all here to inform you of what you will all be doing during the rest of my reign here in Hyrule," Ganondorf said, taking no notice of his impressively sweeping cloak, which leaped back and forth on his shoulders like a restless bird trying to take flight.

"You," he said, pointing at Davin, "will stay on as my Court Comedian, and you will tell me a new, funny joke every day, or I will throw you in the dungeon."

"Uh, okay," said Davin. "I think I can do that."

"Good," said Ganondorf. "And as for you two..." he said, pointing next to Zelda and Link.

A thunderbolt boomed as he paused, just like every movie ever where the villain had captured the heroes and is now stopping to tell them his evil plan and gloat.

"After I take your Triforce pieces, you will go to the dungeon, too. There you will rot for the rest of your miserable little lives, never to oppose me again. With you out of the way, I shall soon rule all of Hyrule, and then, the world!"

Ganondorf threw back his head and had himself a good long evil laugh. He was admittedly very good at it; the thunder even cooperated by crashing several times during his bout of malevolent amusement.

"You'll never get away with this, Ganondorf!" Link shouted defiantly. "We'll escape somehow, and then you'll pay!"

Davin scoffed disgustedly. "What kind of bonehead announces that he's going to try and escape and then threatens his captor?" he demanded of Link. "You might as well just ask him to kill you now!"

He looked back at The Fangirl. "You just _had_ to make him an idiot, didn't you?"

"Bonehead this!" Link snapped, kicking Davin's shin.

Davin, never one to just take that kind of thing, kicked right him back. This prompted Link to kick again, only Davin twisted out of the way, and he missed.

However, this served only to place him within range of The Fangirl's own kick, which landed, squarely and painfully, on his backside.

Ganondorf laughed amusedly. "Most excellent!" he said. "Perhaps you can work with Sunrider in the future; you are hilarious together."

"Oh, great," said Davin. "There's one collaboration I _really_ don't want to do."

"Ugh," said The Fangirl. "Me, neither. We'd end up with a story all full of semicolons, people bashing the crap out of each other with their swords, and cloaks blowing around dramatically. Seriously, Davin; you spend an inordinate amount of time describing cloaks."

"Aha!" Davin said triumphantly. "So you _do_ read my stories!"

"Yeah, I looked at a few," The Fangirl said, shrugging.

"So?" said Davin, ignoring the 'LoZ' characters' puzzled looks. "What did you think?"

The Fangirl gave him a snide look. "My mother always said that if I can't think of something nice to say, don't say anything at all."

Davin's mouth opened in silent outrage, and he spluttered, unable to think of anything intelligent to say just then.

The Fangirl laughed. "Glasses Fish," she said.

Davin growled in irritation. That was it!

"Stop it!" Davin shouted to the heavens. "Whatever it is that I've done to anger who- or what-ever is doing this to me, I am sorry! If it's Karma, I'll grow a mustache and make a list of all the bad things I ever did. If it's somebody else... very funny, the joke's over. I want to go home now, before this gets any weirder!"

He dashed out into the middle of the room, his voice getting louder and more impassioned. "If this is a dream or a trip or some kind of hallucination, I'm ready to wake up now. Because," he pointed up at Ganondorf, "_you_ are a jerk, an absolute kneebiter. Lighten up, dude. _You,_" he said, pointing at Link, "are a sorry excuse for a Hero and an idiot besides, and _you,_" he pointed at the girl standing beside Zelda, "are some special kind of weird for thinking all this up!"

"Hey!" The Fangirl objected. "This was going just great until you showed up. _You're_ the one who's making this weird."

Davin flung out his arms, shouting now at the top of his lungs. "I don't care! I am done! You're all crazy, and I want to get out of here!

"I WANT TO GO HOME!!"

As if in answer, everything suddenly went black, accompanied by the sense of sliding down a very deep, very strange black hole.

* * *

Davin gradually perceived that his face was buried in something soft and fuzzy and pliant, and that he was covered with a sheet and blanket. He mumbled unintelligibly to himself as he rolled over and looked around. The room beyond was dark, and as the young writer slowly blinked his eyes, he realized where he was.

He sighed in relief, slumping back against the pillows. "It was just a dream. A horrible, awful, nightmarish...dream."

In the dim light, he recognized the familiar surroundings of his room, lined with bookcases crammed with books, movies, and video games. In one corner sat his beloved recliner chair, his less-than-beloved laptop sitting on the small table next to it.

Davin rolled over to look up at the plain white ceiling, relieved to be here instead of Hyrule. He'd had some strange dreams before, but never anything _that_ weird. It was so detailed!

He threw the blankets aside and sat up, stretching. The carpet was soft and wonderfully warm under his bare feet, a sharp contrast to the frigid stone floors of the castle. He heard the familiar rattle as the heater came to life and then began blowing blessedly warm air into the room.

Davin reached for the cord hanging next to the window and pulled up the shade, casting bright sunlight over his bedroom. It was probably after noon, he thought, from the brightness and the angle of the sun. No wonder he'd had weird dreams; he always dreamed about something bizarre when he slept too late.

He hauled himself out of bed and to the door, which he pulled open. Clad only in his boxers and undershirt, Davin staggered down the hallway to the kitchen in search of coffee. He ran a hand through his sleep-tousled hair as he walked, blinking his eyes several times. It was still way too bright out here; he let his eyes fall mostly closed again.

When his feet touched the cool linoleum of the kitchen, Davin turned right, headed for the coffee machine. Forget the mug; he'd just guzzle it right out of the pot.

As he fumbled for the coffee machine, Davin recognized the sound of the channels on the TV changing, rapidly going from one snippet of conversation to the next. Somebody else was here, he knew, probably his dad. He expected an amused comment along the lines of "It's awake finally!" any moment now.

As his hand touched the handle of the coffeepot, Davin indeed did hear a voice, though it was not the one he expected.

"What is the purpose of this?" a disturbingly familiar deep voice asked. "Are these beings aware of their condition, or do they not know you have captured their souls within this glass-fronted box?"

Davin's eyes shot fully open with horror.

"Oh,_ crap!_"

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Author's Note: Well, that's it. The End. Fade to black, 'Executive Producer: Jerry Bruckheimer.' Davin the Dark Side Comedian will not return.

Unless you demand a sequel. ;)

This was an entertaining little diversion, but I think it's about time I got back to my other, more serious stories now. I can only sustain a humor story for so long; you wouldn't think so, but comedy is a lot harder than serious fiction, unless you're in a silly mood, which I fortunately was for the last little while. I was starting to lose my 'silly streak', so it was time to end the story before it just devolved into random weirdness. (Pfft! Too late!) ;)

Much thanks to all who read and reviewed. Special thanks to HAL-9001 for some of the jokes(especially the one with the giant and the wizard), as well as others who kindly provided suggestions.

Thanks for reading,

Davin Sunrider

(The real one) ;)


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